How I Went From Devastated to Driven Since My Sister’s Death (Part 1)

 

I’ve thought a lot about this blog and what my “niche” would be, it’s hard to only write about one thing.  There’s so much stuff going on, kids driving me nuts and making me smile, saving money and spending money, being really funny lol (if you don’t understand sarcasm, you’re in for a treat) but most of all I want to write about my sister and how she has changed my life by ending her own life.

I Have No Passion…No Drive

I’ve never been passionate about anything, never had a dream or an aspiration except to survive before I had kids.  Obviously, after I had them, my job was to take of them and make sure they turned into good small humans, which they are now, thank you.  It took the most traumatic event in my life (that I remember, more on that later) to make me realize that you have to have big dreams, be driven, want something so bad that you can see it happening in your head.

How I Got Here

Let’s start at the beginning, not my life, just the story of how I got here. My sister, Jessica, was way into holistic health, when I was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and fibromyalgia in 2012, she was soooo excited lol.  She wanted to teach me yoga for my pain and essential oils to help with stress but I always told her to stay away from me with her snake juices. I was on heavy duty meds and they were working just fine.  Jessie was my best friend on the planet, we’re only 11 months apart, basically twins.  My sister was always a very moody person, for as long as I can remember, one minute she would be ecstatic, the next she would be raging.  Everyone close to her was just used to it.  Basically we knew when to keep our distance and when she was in a good mood.

My sister got pregnant, and had my nephew, Jackson, in 2014.  She seemed so happy, we all thought that this would hold her down.  Jackson would be the reason she settles down and starts really growing up (she was 34 at the time, but I don’t judge, sometimes it takes a little longer for some people to grow up.)  Jessie had a couple bumps in the road but she appeared to be the happiest I ever saw her, she loved Jackson, her fiancé, and her fiancé’s son from a previous marriage.  In July of 2015, they had a big 1st birthday for my nephew, and every thing was great, Jessie seemed a little frazzled but nothing too extreme.  And then my world shattered….

This is my sister and I at my daughter’s kindergarten graduation. That’s me on the left and my beautiful sister Jessica on the right.

My Life Actually Has a Before and After Now

10 days later my aunt called me and said my sister had killed herself.  Jessie had called me earlier that day, leaving a message to see if I could watch the baby over the weekend.  I figured that I would call her back later. I got the call an hour later. My girls were in the car so I couldn’t even react.  I just kept saying ok over and over again.  I called my best friend and asked her to take my girls and I didn’t know for how long (I thank God for all the help that I received during this time-I have the absolute best friends.)  The next couple of weeks were a blur and I couldn’t tell you what happened or who I talked to.  My sister’s suicide ripped me in two, there’s a before Jessie and an after Jessie now.

What Now?

How could I live my life again? I was lost, questioning my own sanity, the guilt was eating me alive.  I didn’t have my anchor anymore, the person who tethered me to this earth for 36 years.  Needing something, anything, to take my mind off the pain (physically and mentally), I ordered a starter set of essential oils.  I fell in love, using them for everything, cooking, cleaning, beauty products, and especially for my pain.  Wanting to know more, I took a free class (more on that in my next post) and then I took 2 more classes at the same online aromatherapy school.  Then I found other aromatherapy schools online and took all the free intro courses they offered too.

I had found my passion, my dream, I was driven.  I read every book I could get my hands on, even chemistry books YUCK. My family and friends were ecstatic because using my new knowledge, I was making them therapeutic blends and they were actually working for everything from eczema to bladder infections to migraines.

I wanted to take the next step and get my certification in aromatherapy but the course was just not in my price range.  I was pretty devastated and I started getting depressed again.  Feeling like I had learned all I could on my own, I started going on Pinterest.  I got a lot of great ideas and started reading blog after blog about essential oils and peoples’ opinions on them.  And then I had an epiphany, why not start a blog about essential oils and how my sister’s suicide led me to “my dream”, “my passion.”

How Do You Start a Blog?

Being an enormous learning lover, I starting reading everything I could about starting a blog.  I took every free email course I could about it.   Most of them were wonderful, Lena Gott from whatmommydoes.com was such a big help.  When I told her my story she said she got goosebumps, that’s when I knew I was ready.  Sarah Mueller from earlybirdmom.com was a great help too.  Both have been so encouraging, so here goes nothing.  Lena taught me to pick a domain name that meant something to me, wasn’t too long, and that people would remember. I thought of a ton of names but decided on Essentially Broken.

We May All Be Broken, But All Things are Fixable

My sister was always essentially broken, deep down, maybe we’re all essentially broken in some way.  Some people are just too broken; there’s not enough glue or love or people or hope to put them back together.  I have way more to say about all this but I’m going to leave it at that for today.  Check back soon for the rest of my story and how all this pain lead me to my passion.  Thanks for listening.

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40 thoughts on “How I Went From Devastated to Driven Since My Sister’s Death (Part 1)”

    1. Thank you so much Corinne. I have so much more I need to say but I decided to break it up in a bunch of post so everyone isn’t reading a novel lol.

  1. Connnie, Life is such a difficult journey. We never know what will destroy or enrich our path. You are a very strong and inspirational person. I am so proud of you for your self-expression. I look forward to reading and gaining my own personal insight form this blog.

    1. Thanks Coll, you’re quite the inspiration yourself. I was just talking about you to my mom on the way home from vacation. Love you and your ladies

  2. Great writing Connie! I cant wait to hear more especially if it has anything to do with depression, I’m not afraid to admit I have suffered with it for years more so after my mom passed in 2010. I believe your writing is going to be therapeutic for me so I’m waiting for your next installment!!! Thank you

  3. Hi Connie–I found your blog via Sarah’s Facebook group–Blogger’s Take Action. Welcome to the blogging world–what a blessing that you were led to something powerful and good in the midst of something so devastating.

    1. Lena,
      Words could never express how grateful I am that I found your blog. You helped me in ways you’ll never know. Thank you so much for your support. I will forever be in your debt.

  4. I am so proud of you Connie. Tears but somehow more of joy than heartache. I think you have captured the key to a peaceful life, by turning a negative into a positive. People who commit suicide do not choose to die, the ill part of their brain makes that choice. If we could fix the broken part before that decision, it would be a major breakthrough. Talking about it is a great start. I know great things will come from your blog. The love between mothers and daughters and sisters, transcends time and space. I know your sister is loving you and loving this blog! I love you so much Connie. Keep your passion flowing

  5. Wow I didn’t know what to expect when I stumbled upon your blog. Such a powerful post and I appreciate you putting this in to words for us. I hope your journey with your aromatherapy brings you much success.

  6. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine. I’ve actually been on the other side-feeling so broken that I wanted (and attempted to) kill myself. I have PTSD and that’s what my blog is about, so i understand the difficulties of “niche”blogging. Essential oils are wonderful though and I look forward to clicking around and learning more.

    Your post actually really touched me. I hope you’re not offended by this…I have a writing MFA and some professional proofreading experience and I am giving away five (well now four) free blog post editing sessions. I’d love to offer you one of the remaining slots if you’re interested? I think we’re actually already connected on Instagram or Twitter (BettyMama206 for both) but for whichever you can “enter” by tweeting your blog URL or leaving it in a comment on Instagram. If you do it you’re guaranteed the spot 🙂 that’s just to make it “official.” I am not trying to promote myself here and I don’t think your writing isn’t full of massive errors or anything, I was just touched by your post and blog and would love to work with you, if you’re interested

  7. Wow…I am so sorry for your loss. And you are so very brave for talking about it so openly. I can’t even imagine….And to write such a powerful piece for your first post is impressive as well. I wish you the best on your journey, both in blogging and otherwise. I’m sure I will be seeing more from you!

    1. Thank you Sara, I appreciate it. I’ve never been much of a writer but it just kind of flowed out of me. My second post is coming out tomorrow!! stayed tuned

    1. Thank you Bobbi. It took a lot to get that first post out, I was petrified but now I’m ready to let it flow.

  8. Words could never express my feelings on how proud I am of you. You are the strongest person I have ever met… I love you always.
    Chuck

    1. Thank you for being so supportive. It’s going to take a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to make this blog as successful as I want it to be. I hope you’re ready for the long haul. Love you forever

  9. My sister can get on my nerves sometimes but I don’t know what I would actually do if she weren’t around to do that. This is truly a beautiful story and I wanted to thank you for sharing it. I know it must of been extremely hard and you’re so so strong. Always remember that, no matter what. Always keep pushing forward. And don’t forget, she’s always watching you ♡

  10. I came across your blog through Facebook and I am glad I stopped to read it. It is a tremendous writing. I have two sisters and I could not imagine life without them. I could not imagine your pain. I know putting things in writing for me always helps put my true feelings out there. I hope this helps you with your grief and I am looking forward to reading more from you.

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